The Tale of Spanky McHanderson

Here's a story I tell with childish glee over and over, so might as well get it out there for everyone in one fell swoop.

This happened a few years ago.

I shared a long room with several developers at my job. We were coupled on long desks such that glancing to the side would allow you to see the other guy at the desk, and glancing the other way would look out the window. The angle my deskmate "J" sat made it easy for him to see a nearby hotel.

As you can imagine (and I bet your already did, you dirty bird), lots of shenanigans occurred at that hotel, and the occupants were often kind enough to leave the blinds open for us to enjoy the show. One fateful day, we got a show we didn't want to see.

J was typing away at his computer when he decided to take a quick window break and just look outside for a few seconds. I was typing away myself when I heard him bellow, "OH MY GOD!" before slapping his hands over his eyes. He turned his chair around and jumped up, walking away from his desk.

The immediate reaction to the several people in the room was, of course, morbid curiosity. We scampered around like animals at feeding time at the zoo, hustling to the window. Since I sat next to J I reacted quickest, looking over at the hotel, and witnessing a man I have since dubbed "Spanky McHanderson" in my mind.

First off, the windows at this hotel were floor to ceiling, so when the curtains were open, you had a full view of the goings on. Especially when the occupant was in the corner room, as was Spanky.

Mr. McHanderson was standing in the window, buck-naked. He looked to be middle-aged and slightly paunchy. He was also flogging the dolphin. Terms that come to mind are "going to town" and "with reckless abandon." This was not a sweet romance Spanky was having with his little fellow, this was a passionate tryst.

In short, McHanderson was really enjoying the view of Boston.

Exclamations of disgust erupted through the room in a shockwave, bringing more rubberneckers from beyond our room.

One person who came in had the immediate reaction to laugh at the sight, and then to reach for his cellphone to take a picture.

Quicker than you can say, "Dude, wtf are you doing?" (which we did in chorus), Spanky seemingly sensed his potential capture on film and disappeared, leaving us all both amused and traumatized.

Ever since that fateful day, I've pondered whether Mr. McHanderson hadn't realized people could see him, but that seems unlikely. It seems to me (in a horror story twist) that he wanted to be seen, and he was excited about it. The kind of excited you can go to town on. Shudder.

I feel so dirty. Spanky, wherever you are, you and your spanky ways have molested my eyes and scarred me for life. I hope you're happy.