Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Pants Are Falling Off

Riding home on the bus, and some kid is sitting there with his pants hanging down low enough that it looks like he's taking a dump. I watch him get off the bus, holding his pants up. (What else do they have keeping them up if they're under his ass?)

This is fashion? This is what someone considers to be a good idea?

This has me rethinking my staid opinions on clothing. Perhaps I need to take my look in an exciting new direction. Underwear over my pants, perhaps? Or I could try a shirt 3 sizes too big. (Or 3 sizes too small. Genius!) Maybe I'll wear my pants backward. (Oh right, that one's been done. Kriss Kross will make you jump jump.)

No need to stop with clothing. How about the one eyebrow look? Not just for the guy that passed out at the party first anymore! (Whoever just made the crack about my mono-brow: fuck you.) How about shaving all facial hair except what's on my neck? Gross, you say? Awesome, I say.

Now, I'm no fan of couture fashion, or being part of the hive mind. I don't buy clothes every year to keep up with trends, and I'm not too concerned about what people think of how I look. But wearing your pants so low you have to hold them up? That's neither stylish nor smart in any way. It really has no redeeming qualities at all.

Except to say, I'm a complete fucking moron, laugh at me!

Congratulations, sir, mission accomplished.

Marinade Master Meat Tumbler Machine

I stumbled upon an ad for the "Marinade Master Meat Tumbler Machine."

Where do I begin?

The first thing that pops into mind is those toy rock tumblers I always saw in the Sears catalog growing up. Throw some rocks in and hours later, they're worn smooth. Exciting!

Now I had to assume this invention wasn't to make meat smooth. Delving further, I discovered the tumbler both rotates the meat in a bath of marinade, but also sucks out the air in the container to marinade your meat in as little as twenty minutes!

This glorious, nay, indispensable item was a mere 54 dollars with free shipping.

Thank God someone has finally saved me from having to marinade my meats over night! The wait was unbearable. Sometimes you get home from work and need marinated meat, stat.

Now that I got the sarcasm out of my system, I want to know who would buy this item? (If you did please leave a comment, so I can mock you.) What people meet the following criteria?

• Enjoy marinading meats
• Think marinading takes too long
• Have 54 bucks to spend on useless junk
• Enjoy watching meat tumble
• Don't live with anyone that would mock them incessantly for buying a Marinade Master Meat Tumbler Machine

Since that narrows it down to, in my estimation, one person in America, I say enjoy your tumbler, my friend. Let the good times (and meat) roll!